I dedicate this blog to my blogger friends Jennifer and Andrea because my son is refusing to nurse and I have finally relented and am giving him formula. :) The dedication is because these two people dealt with me as the nursing freak who "encouraged" them to nurse their children, sure that you can power through and nurse if you really want to no matter what. I still believe that nursing is the best and the most natural choice, and when challenged by it, hard work will result in success, but I am now admitting that I am not a perfect earth mother and am not willing to stress myself out anymore about it.
Over the last month Max has not been nursing well at all. He is distracted easily and probably gets about 5 minutes total of sucking and none of it is vigorous. Every session seemed to be filled with me begging him to eat and worrying about Hailey because we had left her downstairs to find a distraction free zone. Nothing was working and though he didn't seem hungry, he was chowing down on solids. I know that he is supposed to still be getting the majority of his nutrition from his liquid diet, so I was worried. Monday I tested him by nursing and them offering him a bottle to see if he was still hungry after nursing. He sucked down 4 oz after I had nursed/wrestled with him for 30 minutes, and this convinced me that he is trying to wean. My books say that he is teething, and I would have told me a year ago to power through and he will pick it up again, but honestly, I am tired and I just don't have the energy or whatever it will take to make the effort. I have tried pumping, but making the time to do that is close to impossible, and honestly he doesn't seem to like breast milk in the bottle form. So, my two closest friends, feel free to laugh, tease me and feel smug. You have both earned it! :)
However, that doesn't mean the mommy guilt isn't in full force. Hailey got 13 months and Max will only get 6. I feel like he can add this to the long list of ways he gets the short end of me as the second child. Mommy was much perkier with Hailey and yelled less. Mommy spent hours talking to Hailey and playing one-on-one, and Max gets minutes and occasional half-hours when Hailey is sleeping. I realize, though, that Hailey is cheated too, so maybe it will all even out. After all, they have each other to talk about how crazy their mom is an how much I screwed them both up. I know this is just the beginning of the million ways I will be unfair, and it gives me a whole new perspective on the many times I felt cheated by my own parents by what they did for or gave my siblings.
So, Max this is for you, my baby boy. Know that I love you with all my heart and will do everything in my power to be the best mom possible and I love you every bit as much as I love Hailey, even if I could only breastfeed you for half the time! :)