Saturday, June 16, 2007

Dedicated to Jennifer and Andrea....

I dedicate this blog to my blogger friends Jennifer and Andrea because my son is refusing to nurse and I have finally relented and am giving him formula. :) The dedication is because these two people dealt with me as the nursing freak who "encouraged" them to nurse their children, sure that you can power through and nurse if you really want to no matter what. I still believe that nursing is the best and the most natural choice, and when challenged by it, hard work will result in success, but I am now admitting that I am not a perfect earth mother and am not willing to stress myself out anymore about it.

Over the last month Max has not been nursing well at all. He is distracted easily and probably gets about 5 minutes total of sucking and none of it is vigorous. Every session seemed to be filled with me begging him to eat and worrying about Hailey because we had left her downstairs to find a distraction free zone. Nothing was working and though he didn't seem hungry, he was chowing down on solids. I know that he is supposed to still be getting the majority of his nutrition from his liquid diet, so I was worried. Monday I tested him by nursing and them offering him a bottle to see if he was still hungry after nursing. He sucked down 4 oz after I had nursed/wrestled with him for 30 minutes, and this convinced me that he is trying to wean. My books say that he is teething, and I would have told me a year ago to power through and he will pick it up again, but honestly, I am tired and I just don't have the energy or whatever it will take to make the effort. I have tried pumping, but making the time to do that is close to impossible, and honestly he doesn't seem to like breast milk in the bottle form. So, my two closest friends, feel free to laugh, tease me and feel smug. You have both earned it! :)

However, that doesn't mean the mommy guilt isn't in full force. Hailey got 13 months and Max will only get 6. I feel like he can add this to the long list of ways he gets the short end of me as the second child. Mommy was much perkier with Hailey and yelled less. Mommy spent hours talking to Hailey and playing one-on-one, and Max gets minutes and occasional half-hours when Hailey is sleeping. I realize, though, that Hailey is cheated too, so maybe it will all even out. After all, they have each other to talk about how crazy their mom is an how much I screwed them both up. I know this is just the beginning of the million ways I will be unfair, and it gives me a whole new perspective on the many times I felt cheated by my own parents by what they did for or gave my siblings.
So, Max this is for you, my baby boy. Know that I love you with all my heart and will do everything in my power to be the best mom possible and I love you every bit as much as I love Hailey, even if I could only breastfeed you for half the time! :)

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6 comments:

Jonathan's Mommy said...

As I am not a vindictive person, I will keep my "ha, has" to myself. :)

Seriously, though, the whole breastfeeding/bottle feeding difference between us never bothered me one bit. I have no doubt that breastfeeding is best but it just didn't work out for me. I think you were incredibly dilligent in breastfeeding Hailey for as long as you did and even more so regarding Max. I've read that any breast milk at all is better than none, so no doubt you have conveyed plenty of benefits to Max in 6 months.

I'm happy to hear that you are not beating yourself up too much over this, too. You are a great mother, but you're still only one person and there is only so much you can do with two kiddos running around. I am certain Max will continue to be a happy, healthy baby with formula!

Welcome to the dark side! (Kidding, of course!)

Kimberly said...

Well coming from a mom who didn't even try for a nano second to breast feed...I admire ANYONE who even attempts it and I admire ANYONE who just accepts the fact that it's not for them. No one is handing out blue ribbons for breast feeding, potty training by 2, or having a natural childbirth...you have to do what is best for you and your child. You are a fabulous mommy and have two fabulous kids...don't beat yourself up for one second!

Twin Mommy Law Chick said...

I'll be the third to welcome you to the dark side. LOL.

Seriously, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. To those mothers breastfeeding their 5 year old who have never had problems and are under the impression that it's wonderful and perfect for everyone, good for you, but it ain't that easy for all of us. What you described that Max is doing (5 seconds of sucking and then screaming or distraction), that is what I faced from moment one. I think part of it was that the Twinks were preemies, part of it was that they were just impatient. They had great suction but wouldn't wait for the actual milk before going into meltdown, and you know you can't breastfeed a melting down child. You did the best you could and that's all Max can ask. Anyone else can suck it (pun intended!!!)

As for not giving your kids enough time, well, if that's true both my kids are screwed since they've had to share time since conception. But it has made the concept of taking turns with other kids easy for us, if they'd just learn that with each other I'd be happy. You just have to make each child feel special and I know you do that. It's not easy balancing time or chasing two. Just wait til Max is mobile! Then you can share my joy of constantly saying, wait, where is the other one???

Finally, I can share with you that pumping sucks and I have no idea how people find the time for it when you have two kids to look after. I did it for like a month and thought I was going to die. Basically I was either pumping, feeding, holding, changing, rocking or cleaning up 24-7, so it didn't so much work out for me. My kids are NEVER sick so clearly you aren't scarring him!

I'd give you kudos but I guess Blogger hasn't caught up with MySpace yet...

Susie PSU said...

I breast fed one, and bottle fed the other. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't - but it is no reflection on YOU. As for the division of time between kids, if you ever figure out the magical formula for that one, please let the rest of us know! All we can do is the best we can do.

Stacy said...

I know the feeling. With each of my 3 kids the time on breastfeeding went down. It is just harder as you have more children. They are all different. At least he had 6 months! That does not make you a bad mom. He knows you love him!

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